Father Dwyer Was Like A Many Faceted Diamond.
Here Is A Sampling Of His Humorous Facet...

If you want to do something you will find a way. If you don't 
want to do it you will find an excuse.

Were there any great men born in this town? No, only babies.

The hardest thing to open is a closed mind.

Man climbs a ladder, women pole vault.

To some, one drink is too much, and to others 100 is not enough. 

McGinty and a friend were in a pub and McGintys' beautiful
wife walked in. His friend said "Oh how I envy you McGinty".
After a few months McGinty died and his friend married his
widow. After a few months passed, the friend went to
McGintys' grave and said "Oh how I envy you McGinty". (envy
homily, July 3, 1994)

How did the movie end? I forget. (in a homily based on a 
story from a movie)

Sin might be strong, adventurous, and colorful but so is the first
stage of a black eye.

GOD, YOU can't say you can't. YOU wont say YOU wont. So YOU will wont YOU?

What is the difference between Saint and ain't? An ain't gives up, a Saint
never gives up.

We are covered with the rash to return to GOD.

A child has a memory like a windshield wiper. The tears are wiped away
before they have a chance to dry and harden.

Some of us have tongues like shovels, scooping up dirt.

We are like mosquitos with moral malaria.

If scandal were a cigarette, a scandalizer would light up two.

I don't care if it rains or freezes as long as I have my plastic JESUS.

Two Irishmen talking, the first said, 'I will fly to and land on the
sun'. The second said, 'You can't do that because the sun is too
hot'. The first said, 'I plan on going at night'.

Success doesn't come in buckets, cups, or glasses. It comes in CANS.

If Cleopatras nose was one-quarter inch longer it would have changed
whole world. (she would not have been as beautiful as she was and--?)

She didn't need glasses. She was drinking out of the bottle.

The 2 coins the poor widow dropped into the collection box didn't make
much noise, yet today we can still hear them.

A kind word never broke a mans jaw.

A priest visited a rabbi in the rabbis' home. When he entered the house
he noticed the rabbi had hardly any furniture. He asked the rabbi where
his furniture was. The rabbi asked "Where is yours?" The priest
answered "But I am only a visitor here." The rabbi answered "So am I."

A swarm of flies can draw our attention from the stars.

Being Catholic doesn't stop you from sinning. It just takes all the
fun out of it.

Renee Bondi, we sincerely hope you are covered with the rash of desire
to return to Colfax.

Patty was always going to the doctor for a sore right eye. The doctor
could not find anything wrong, so he prescribed salves and ointments.
The next day, Patty would be back with the same problem. This went on for
awhile and the doctor, exasperated that he could not find anything wrong,
took Patty out to lunch to discuss it. While dining, the doctor looked at
Patty and said, "I have found it. You have to take the spoon out of your
cup before you drink your tea".

Don't be anxious about the future or the past. We have only now, one
second at a time. I might not have the time to finish this homily.

The Priest was listening to the great Shakespearian actor in a play.
After, he asked the actor if he would say the 23d Psalm. The actor said
he would if the Priest would say it again after him. The Priest agreed
and the actor quoted the Psalm with much beauty and tenderness. After,
the Priest fumbled and stumbled through it and made a shambles of it.
The actor recovered for the faltering Priest by saying, "Yes, I know
the 23d Psalm, but this man knows the shepherd".

A man asked the Guru the secret of life. The Guru said, "My dog saw a
rabbit and started chasing it. Soon other dogs saw my dog running and
they too joined the chase. One by one, the other dogs dropped off from 
the chase but my dog continued his pursuit of the rabbit. The answer is
in the story". (His dog saw and believed. The others just saw the first
dog running and did not see the rabbit. HE WHO DOES NOT SEE BUT BELIEVES...

A closed mouth gathers no flies.

David brushed his sin (Bathsheba) under the rug and Nathan rolled it back.

(Ed said) All I have is change in my pocket, no bills. (Father said)
That's OK, that's what I usually deal with.

Once a knock came on my door. I opened it and a man said "I do not believe
in confession". I said, "If I knocked on your door and told you, I believe
in confession, wouldn't you think I was some kind of a nut"?

St. Joseph is depicted as a carpenter holding a right angle square, not
a wrong angle square.

Here we have St. Joseph teaching the maker of the universe how to make
tables and chairs.

The bus carries the driver. How strange it would be if the driver carried
the bus.

At the St. Patricks dinner on March 18, 1995, there were prize drawings.
The first prize was a $70.00 check signed by Fr. Dwyer. It was won by a
lady who promptly donated it back to St. Dominics. Fr. Dwyer said, "If I
knew she was going to give it back, I would have made it out for $1000.00.

If you praise GOD too much, snipers will shoot at you and sharks will
snap at you.

If a person is close to GOD and won't go along with the crowd, his friends
will tell him his halo is on crooked or his angel wings are sticking out.

A man once told me "Ever since they stopped saying Mass in Latin, I have
refused to attend Mass". I replied "Can you say something to me in Latin"?

It might turn out better second hand. (having another tell your joke)

Once I made a remark to a person, "Oh you just can't tell the boys from
the girls anymore, look at that one. Is it a boy or a girl"? The person
said, "That is my daughter". I said, "Oh I am sorry. I didn't know you
were her father". The person said. "I'm not, I am her mother". (true story)

Why don't you write a book of excuses. It would become a best seller.

What matters is not the size of the dog in the fight but the size of the
fight in the dog.

I have been telling them over and over for years and they still don't get
it. It is as if they were living on another planet. (Fathers teachings)

Husbands and wives do not listen to each other: I.E., wife: isn't it a
beautiful day?...husband: beautiful... Wife:I think I will kill myself
today...husband: wonderful...

A man was about to jump off a bridge and kill himself. Another man saw him
and ran and grabbed him and said, "No you can't do this. Let us sit down
and talk about it". He agreed and they did talk about it for awhile and
then they both walked to the bridge rail and jumped off together.

A man was visiting a mental ward and asked a patient his name. "Napoleon",
he said. Who gave you that name? "GOD did". The man in the next bed said,
"I did not."

The ring bearer at a wedding was sound asleep when the priest asked for 
the rings. "Will someone wake him up", the priest asked. A voice from the
audience said, "You wake him up, you put him to sleep."

Matty asked Patty about a woman in the pub. Patty said she is a lesbian.
Matty walked over to her and said, "What part of Lesbia are you from?"

George Washingtons' father told George, "If you can't tell a lie, you 
can't become president."

A man got off his donkey and went into the pub to have a drink. When he 
came out, he found someone had painted his donkey green. Angry, he yelled,
"Who did this"? A huge brute of a man stood up and said, "I did." The
donkey owner said, "Oh I just wanted to tell you the first coat is dry."

If you go to Ireland, you won't know much about it unless you visit a pub.

Eve said to Adam, "What do you mean, the kids don't look like you?"